I have no idea what's happening.
I'm super angsty and kinda depressed right now. I want to scream or run until I can't move, anything to get htis anger out of my.
for a while everything just felt so .... routine, like days were always the same. i felt lethargic, like not doing anything. so I got a haircut. it was about just below the end of my neck. but still - it wasn't much different than what I had had before.

since FOURTH GRADE - aka SIX YEARS I have had the same hairstyle. no change. whatsoever. so I thought 'maybe that's something that could change.' (well i didn't actually think that but kind of) It was more like 'i want to look different than most people i run into. I want to be an individual. and I want my hair to look cool, cuz it's boring and been looking like this for six years.

so I cut it. not all of it., just the back. everything in front of my ears was left alone. but the back was cut about an inch, maybe an inch and a half down from the hairline on my neck. I then dyed it a red/brown/purple (it was meant to be purple but it turned out like that) and put some purple in my bangs. I stepped out of the shower and brushed my hair, got dressed and looked in the mirror. after cutting a strand I had missed I thought to my self

'this is what I needed'. I then stepped out of the bathroom. My mum and sister came in and the first thing that she says is 'did your hair get shorter?' and my mum ran her hand through the back saying 'you must have cut it. why didn't you cut the front? you could have told us you wanted your hair cut like this. i'm now going to be a total bitch and not let you dye anymore of your hair and make sure it's all the same length and color when school starts in september."

Ok. so she didn't say that, but she might as well have. and then my older sister was a total bitch about everything I do. She hates anything that could be put in the emo/scene/not preppy or exactly like her. so she was like
'I don't mind most teenage trends. but hair like that and the way you always dress i do mind. and the music you listen to. it's stupid.' (slightly modified, but only from a different conversation. she's said all of those things before. so basically, my sister hates everything I do, like, and look.

So now I'm angry. really angry. and this girl I like finally read a truth box i sent to her anonymously on myspace. so, in real life I saw her and she was like 'Guess what? Last night I read my truth box messages. There was one that said 'i'd date you if I had the guts to ask you out' so I clicked for a hint and it's a FEMALE! I'm so excited!' (we're both bi, btw) I smiled shakily and nodded before going to the bathroom and hitting myself over how stupid I am.

I did reply, though, when she asked my who I was. I said I didn't really want to tell her cuz she might think it was weird that I liked her and how I don't really know how to be a girlfriend and I'm really shy when it comes to stuff like this.

I don't know what to do.

So tomorrow I'm going to go on a long exhausting bike ride, do art that involved throwing paint at something, and scream underwater when I go swimming. Because I'm very confused and angry and sad and excited and so many emotions there aren't even a word for.

I need someone to talk to. only problem is, is that while I can talk to her about hair and family stuff, I usually talk to her about crushes and stuff, but I can't do that when she's the girl I'm crushing on.

this whole thing has got me listening to MCR again, which I only really do anymore when I'm sad or lonely or angry. It makes me feel a bit better.